January 22, 2011

I Have a Mean Streak

I have come to realize that I really have a mean streak and by come to realize, I mean that I actually believe it now. I heard occasionally from Mom when I was growing up, "You have a mean streak a mile long." Even though I don't ever remember hearing her say this to my sisters, I'm pretty sure it wasn't just me. I was the oldest of three girls so I had a lot more opportunity to be mean, although I do remember this table-turning scene involving my baby sister who is 11 years younger.

I was upstairs laying on my bed doing homework and she came into my bedroom (we had to be about 14 and 3 years old at the time). She started touching my stuff; you know, the important girly things on my dresser. I'm sure I asked her very politely to get out of my room. After a few minutes of me still verbally throwing her out but never touching her, she walked to the top of the stairs and called out to Mom that I had hit her. I definitely got in trouble and probably got grounded. Which reminds me, I'm going to really smack her the next time I see her. I don't care how old we are now!

I have a pretty sarcastic, slightly warped sense of humor, which does run in the family. As much as I love my sweet Hubby, he is a man and therefore looks at things differently. Remember that whole Mars and Venus thing in the book by Dr. John Gray? I've always been the disciplinarian in our family, as in the one who flips out when the kids do something wrong. He's always been the sucker good guy. He told me once when the girls were in elementary school that they had come to ask him if they could ride their bikes to the park. He told them to go ask Mom and they said, "Oh, never mind. She won't let us do anything." Even today, the Granddaughter has learned to work her Bampa first when she wants something.

Yes, he is a man, which is why I've threatened to stick a pillow over his face while he's sleeping numerous times over the years. If anything ever happens to him, you know who they'll look at first.

Just in case you're feeling sorry for Hubby, let me assure you that the acerbic wit runs both ways in this house. Once, when I was being a 
little over-dramatic about something one of the kids had done, I said I was going to go float face down in the pool and just end it all. Hubby turned to me and said, "Oh, good. The insurance will pay off if it looks like an accident."

Feather pillows aside, my new weapon of choice would apparently be a taser. I seem to find myself saying more and more often about various situations and people -- rude sales clerks, idiot drivers, annoying contestants on reality shows. "I'd just tase 'em." And Hubby or the Daughters or the Granddaughter just shake their heads and tell me I'm mean. Of course, they're laughing the whole time but I'm still mean.

Last year we saw a news clip on TV about a 72-year-old woman who was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. The whole thing was caught on tape. I believe she was running late for an appointment at the beauty shop which, of course, made her completely exempt from all laws. She was speeding through a construction zone and got pulled over, then argued with the cop, cussed him out, wouldn't sign the speeding ticket and resisted arrest. She was a total pain and when the cop threatened to taser her, she pretty much dared him to. So he did. Plain and simple and legal. Hubby was absolutely horrified. I was surprised he waited that long to take her down.

I admit it. I am short on patience ... always have been. I'm still amazed that I owned a retail store for so many years where we worked with a lot of brides. Bride brain can be an ugly thing and I truly don't think that most of them realize it when they're acting crazy and bridezillaish. Even if they do, they just can't seem to help themselves. And the mothers of the bride can be even scarier. We once had a bride and her mother in an all out screaming match because the bride wanted a purple border on her wedding invitations and the mother said she wouldn't pay for them because she hated them. The father moved the fight outside the store, which was almost worse because they stood on the doorstep and continued to fight which not only prevented other customers from entering the store, it freaked out everyone in the neighboring businesses. Oh, good times. We joked about getting a pair of those big blow up boxing gloves for those situations but now that I think about it, if I had had a taser ...

We even laughed about me asking for my own personal taser for Christmas last year but I'm sure Hubby could see his life passing before his eyes just thinking about it and with his hair sticking straight out electrified, no less. You know, I'd never really taser anyone -- I'm a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. But I have great visual skills and a very good imagination ... and they even come in blue!


Pepsi Breath said...

In my defense...I was JUST 3 YEARS OLD! But I guess I deserve that slap, even 41 years later. Just please don't tase me!

Btw, I've been told I'm patient to a fault. I must have gotten your left-overs.

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh my gosh. I loved this post. you are my kind of gal. now, if that taser comes in purple, I'm asking for one. :)

Tightwad Mom said...

You just made my WHOLE day! This is the stinkin' hilarious post I have ever read. I think I would prefer my taser in hot pink!

lisaschaos said...

Sounds like you and hubs have the same warped sense of humor my hubs and I do. :) Love it! Sure keeps life fun! I didn't know about your business with brides, we have been very lucky and have yet to have a bridezilla.

A blue taser would make a fine gift. :)

Baby Sister said...

Lol!! This was awesome. You and I sound very much alike. :) I hope you get your taser one day, it would be awesome!!

heavenisabookstore said...

I think as women we really don't ever get the chance to use our mean skills (other than if you were actually a mean girl in school, which is few) so as adults we like to voice exercise our right to know if we wanted to, we could be mean. I for one am way meaner than I ever was growing up. And seriously, who hasn't threatened to smother their loved one with a pillow.

Kathleen said...

Too funny! I want a taser too but can I have mine in red?

Snowcatcher said...

I'll have to come back and comment when I finish rolling on the floor laughing my fool head off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and get this, my WV this time...


Keri said...

You're too funny. LOVE the story about the old lady on her way to beauty shop. I may have even seen it.. maybe? But I'm with you. Some people NEED a good ZAP to get their heads out of their other body parts. You have me seriously considering investing in one. For personal safety of course.

Love your wit and dry humor. You'd fit right in over at other blogs.

Once of these days, come visit. I'd love to have you in the mix. More later, Keri


cathyjoy said...

"Oh, good. The insurance will pay off if it looks like an accident."