January 9, 2011

Coffee Shop Humor

I did something yesterday that I've never done before ... camped out at Starbucks in Barnes & Noble with my laptop for a few hours. I had dropped the Granddaughter off at Dave & Buster's for a birthday party that was only supposed to last for 2 hours, then I hit Kohl's and saved Hubby $61.00. He's so funny. I texted him that actual phrase -- "Great news. I saved you $61 at Kohl's!" I think it took him a while to realize that if I saved $61, I probably spent a lot more.

But, hey, I finally did the thing I've been whining and complaining about for the longest time. That thing I truly dread. Bra shopping. Just shoot me now. I always have to be in just the right mood for any kind of clothes shopping or it's torture. It gets so hot in the cramped dressing room and I simply hate the process of changing and trying on clothes.

But they have some good deals at Kohl's. Got 3 bras, 6 pairs of panties, a pair of tan dress slacks for work and a birthday gift for a friend's little boy. So it was a successful shopping trip. Then I grabbed my laptop bag out of the car and headed on over to Barnes & Noble, got a mocha frappuccino, found a comfortable little table for one and fired up the MacBook.

Looking around, there was just one other person who was there alone and appeared to be working. She had her laptop open in front of her and seemed to be dictating something into her phone or iPod. She was there before I got there and was still sitting there when I left 2 hours later. Everyone else was there to eat and chat and it was pretty busy.

Don't you love a bookstore? Sitting in the cafe on the fringe of the bookstore is so much fun. Lots of distractions with people coming in and out, kids running around and outfits to critique. Oh girlfriend, who told you those low rise jeans looked good? A muffin top is only supposed to be seen as actual baked goods, not spillage on the fashion highway. I remember when the guys used to call it a Dunlop (as in tires) because it dun lop over. And, dude, I've heard of bedhead, but seriously ... buy a comb!

So Hubby was out of town last week and had called to tell me what happened at Paradise Bakery at the airport. He ordered a plain old cup of coffee and the barista set a to go cup in front of him with a lid on it. When he picked it up, it was so weightless that he commented, "Hey, this cup feels empty."

And she told him {wait for it}, "It's just our light roast!"

Bada bing, bada boom. Ha!

Then she directed him to the coffee bar where you apparently fill your cup yourself.

Way back when, when I was drinking decaf due to PMS issues, we went into a Starbucks and I ordered a decaf coffee with skim milk. The barista called it a Why Bother?

I found a website called The Lite Side of Coffee which has all kinds of coffee jokes and this list, which I love ...

78 Ways to know if you drink too much coffee...  
  1. You answer the door before people knock.
  2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  3. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
  4. You ski uphill.
  5. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
  6. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  7. You speed walk in your sleep.
  8. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
  9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  10. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  11. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  12. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  13. You sleep with your eyes open.
  14. When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
  15. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  16. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  17. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  18. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  19. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
  20. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
  21. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  22. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  23. Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
  24. You chew on other people's fingernails.
  25. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  26. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  27. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
  28. The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.
  29. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  30. All your kids are named "Joe".
  31. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  32. You don't sweat, you percolate.
  33. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  34. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  35. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  36. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  37. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  38. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  39. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
  40. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  41. People get dizzy just watching you.
  42. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  43. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  44. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  45. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
  46. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  47. Instant coffee takes too long.
  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  52. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
  53. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  54. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  55. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  56. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  57. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  62. You can jump to the moon.
  63. You short out motion detectors.
  64. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  65. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  66. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  67. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  68. You don't tan, you roast.
  69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
  70. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
  71. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  72. You can't even remember your second cup.
  73. You help your dog chase its tail.
  74. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  75. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  76. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  77. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  78. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Number 17 made me laugh out loud!


Dazee Dreamer said...

I would never think to take my laptop and hang out at the barnes and noble starbucks. I probably wouldn't get much done on my computer for all the people watching I would be doing.

heavenisabookstore said...

Sounds like fun to me. I love going and hanging out in a random place, especially when I am feeling lonely, but don't necessarily want to talk to people. And yes, it is great blog fodder bc so many people to watch and critique.

Anonymous said...

love 48 & 49.

but being ADD as I am?

coffee just mellows me out.

starting to think i'm missing out on something!

Lori said...

Sitting in the Starbucks at Barnes and Noble with a good book is one of my FAVORITE things to do!!!

Baby Sister said...

I would love to sit at the bookstore...but I hate the smell of coffee...I just can't stand it. Don't hate me!! ;) But that list is HILARIOUS!! Makes me think of Lorelai on Gilmore Girls. :)

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Sounds like you did some great shopping. I have never gone and sat in the bookstores but it always looks very relaxing.

Pepsi Breath said...

"A muffin top is only supposed to be seen as actual baked goods, not spillage on the fashion highway." Now THAT made ME LOL!

My BF loves to sit in a bookstore cafe with a Chai and a book. I would get too distracted.

To Baby Sister: This baby sister of Jayaycee's also can't stand the smell of coffee. Makes me nauseous. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone.

blueviolet said...

You have no idea how much this made me want to go to the bookstore!!!

Loren said...

Oh my gosh! You just make my day every time I visit! Sitting in B&N would be a blast with you! I love people watching but somehow I think it would be sooo much more fun with you! :)

I am thinking I might borrow some of these coffee-isms for my Friday Funny sometime! These are hilarious!! I love 59.... Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position LOLOL

Happy Monday ~ ♥

Kathleen said...

Hard to beat a day that includes "saving" money by shopping and hanging around a coffee shop with books near by!

Snowcatcher said...

You had me from start to finish. In.Stitches. !!! This was a great post! It's been ages since I've heard any good coffee jokes, so that makes these even funnier!

lisaschaos said...

I have not treated myself to a day like that in ages. Sometimes it's fun to just sit somewhere and piddle about. :) Bra shopping, I'm SO not there either. But yay you! Good job accomplishing your task AND saving money! :)

lisaschaos said...

These are all so funny! I think #17 is my favorite! lol